E-mail your joke contributions to risnerolson1@msn.com

Submitted 6/1/2005 by Heidi Rahe

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously: 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

Submitted 3/25/2002 by Maryann Yatsko, Rated "G"

JUMBLES George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN

Submitted 12/31/2001 by Maryann Yatsko, Rated "G"

HARLEY MECHANIC A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Submitted 12/31/2001 by Maryann Yatsko, Rated "R"

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A KID A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? "Harry, after a moment "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: Bubblegum Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Shake hands Ms. Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Ms. Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Ms. Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Ms. Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Ms. Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Submitted 10/11/2001 by Cliff Costello, Rated "G"

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course that you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I wa meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga." 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." (AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOU DESK...) 1. "in Jesus' name. Amen."

Submitted 5/1/2001 by LeeAnn Patterson, Rated "PG"

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AT THE OFFICE AREN'T: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!! 5. HMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office it isn't: 1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!! TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW AREN'T: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't: 1. Think you can get me off? TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T: 10. Damn, my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't: 1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

Submitted 1/31/2001 by Cliff Costello

Church Bloopers These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service! --------------------------------------------------------------- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus". Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Submitted 11/5 by Dot Stahl (Roger's cousin), Rated "G"

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white-tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off--but will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

Submitted 10/29 by Adam G, Rated "G" (Could also be a "Deep Thought")

SOCIAL WORKERS TALK Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."

Submitted 10/26 by Stan, Rated "R" (Censored per Kathy's request)

Appropriate Times to Use the F-word "What the f--- was that?" -Mayor of Hiroshima "Where the f--- did all these Indians come from?" -General Custer "But, it's so f---ing simple!!" -Albert Einstein "It does SO f---ing look like her!" -Pablo Picasso "How the f--- did you work that out?" -Pythagorus "You want me to paint the whole f---ing ceiling?" -Michaelangelo "I suppose a little f---ing rain would be too much to ask?" -Joan of Arc "Who the f--- is going to know?" -Bill Clinton "Scattered f---ing showers...my ass." -Noah And the number one example... "I need this parade like I need a f---ing hole in my head." -John F. Kennedy

Submitted 10/24 by Adam Gaha, Rated "G"
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

Submitted 10/10 by Cliff Costello, Rated "PG"

GRANDMA Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the celebration. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma

Submitted 10/10 by Cliff Costello, Rated "G"

26 signs that you've already grown up... a. Your potted plants stay alive. b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd. c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.(could this be Boone's Farm) u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs. w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Submitted 9/30 by Phyllis, Rated "G"

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Submitted 9/28 by Steve Lee, Rated "G"

OVER THE HILLARY Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter was, er, very welcoming too!" "My God, why did they do all that?" asked Hillary. "I don't know," the driver replied, "All I said was, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I just killed the cow.'"

Submitted 9/15, Rated "PG"

Redneck Logic Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?"

Submitted 9/14 by Cheryl, Rated "PG"

Cheerios A six-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the six year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nodded his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say 'hell', and you say 'ass', okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm. The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the six year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Submitted 9/13 by Joe Shaffer, Rated "R"

Top Reasons To Go To Work Naked 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add 'Exotic Dancer' to your exaggerated resume. 8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 10. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning. 11. No one ever steals your chair.

Submitted 9/1 by Adam Gaha, Rated "PG"

ADVICE FOR LIFE Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Never pet a burning dog. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.

Submitted 8/30 by Cheryl R., Rated "PG"

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon. He had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." "Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren."

Posted 8/29, Rated "G"

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smirked and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

Posted 8/27, Rated "PG"

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones... Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology" The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to: "Hysteria and Posteriors". This was not acceptable either, so the good doctors changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried: "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again, so they tried: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried: "Minds and Behinds". Still no go. Nor did: "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Posted 8/22, Rated "PG"

Divorce! A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Posted 8/20, Rated "G"

Baseball Fans Jimmy and Joe were just about the biggest baseball fans in America. They went to some 60 games a year. They even made a pact that whoever died first would try to return in spirit form and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. Well, Joe finally died one summer night. A few nights later, the sound of his voice woke Jimmy from a sound sleep. "Joe, is that really you?" Jimmy asked. "Of course it's me." Joe replied. "I can't believe it!" Jimmy said. "So is there baseball in heaven?" Joe's voice came out of the dark. "I have good news and bad news for you, Jimmy. Which do you want first?" "Go ahead and give me the good news first, Joe." "There IS baseball in Heaven." Joe replied. "That's fantastic!" Jimmy said. "What could the bad news be?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."

Posted 8/17, Rated "G"

Texas vs Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Posted 8/15, Rated "PG"
Last Respect Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead." "I ought to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!"

Posted 8/11, Rated "PG"

Three Brothers A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?" The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor." The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

Submitted 8/9 by Adam Gaha, Rated "G"

ADVANTAGES OF OWNING A CAR FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT: Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00 a.m. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green. Stephen Hawking keeps bugging you to carpool. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan, "It's there before you order or it's free!" The more you drive, the younger you get.

Submitted 8/8 by Phyllis, Rated "G"

SOUTHERN SAYINGS: "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Have a cup of coffee. It's already been saucered and blowed." "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm." "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull." "Don't pee down my back and try to tell me it's raining." "He's as country as cornflakes." "This is gooder'n grits." "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

Submitted 8/2 by Cliff Costello, Rated "G"

The Top 20 list of the World's Shortest Books: 20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by EllenDeGeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson 1. And the World's Number One Shortest book . . . MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

Posted 8/1, Rated "G"

A Dollar Per Point A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. The student, who had attached the $100 bill to his test, received back his test score and $64 change.

Posted 7/29, Rated "G"

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity (or too many lawyers - editors' note), here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair) 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". (Evidently, the shoplifter special) 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?) 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion) 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!) 6. On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (As night follows the day . . . .) 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save even more time?) 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (One would hope) 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?) 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious). 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". (NEWS FLASH) 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta) 14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (I don't blame the company I blame parents for this one). 15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief) 16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey mom we're out of syrup! It's OK, Honey - just grab the Palmolive!) 17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control." (Oh, please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?) 18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids....Aww you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)

Submitted 7/26 by Cheryl, Rated "G"

At the Airport A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!"

Submitted 7/19 by Steve Lee, Rated "G" (unless you are raising an overly PC child)

On one of the hottest days on record in Texas, the Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched up his gunbelt and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know, your horse is about dead." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough breeze to make him feel better." Tonto said, "Yes, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do, what's the matter with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

Submitted 7/19 by Adam Gaha, Rated "G"

GENERAL MOTORS HELPLINE General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did. . . SCENARIO 1: Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" Helpline: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" SCENARIO 2: Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know!?" Helpline: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?" Helpline: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What!? I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" SCENARIO 3: Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" Helpline: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" Helpline: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed-and now it won't start!" Helpline: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!" SCENARIO 4: Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." Helpline: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

Submitted 7/17 by Holly (Kathy's colleague), Rated "G"

Ode to the Spell Checker (classic) Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And Eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

Submitted 7/17 by Cheryl, Rated "R"

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

Submitted 7/16 by Adam Gaha (Roger's nephew), Rated "G"
O.J. Simpson plans to talk to the public via the Internet within the next few weeks, a decision he said he made after controversy erupted over whether he took a polygraph test about his ex-wife's death... Log onto www.simpson-slash-backslash-slash-slash-backslash - then the escape key...

Submitted 7/13/00 by Kathy, Rated "G"

Rejected U.S. State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV; The Granola State--What Ain't Fruits Or Nuts Are Flakes Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier And With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids; The Gunshine State Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce The S; Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States; Hayfever Capital Of The Midwest Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes; Not Sweden, But We Try To Act Like It. Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A Friggin' Motto? I Got Yer Friggin' Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We Are Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family--Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot

Submitted 7/13/00 by Cheryl, Rated "PG"

Actual LETTERS sent to Landlords 1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. 6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. 11. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. 13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath taps. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. 14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it is getting too much. 15. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job.

Submitted 7/13/00 by Kathy, Rated "G"

The Elevator An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) reponded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ... "Go get your mother."

These two were submitted 7/12/00 by Donna, both rated "G"
Two guys walk into a bar, you would have thought one of them would have seen it!!!!!!!!
Two guys were in a bar drinking. One guys just falls off his barstool. The other guys turns to him and says "OK, you have had enough time to go home!" He picks him up and drags him outside, leans him up against the wall while he opens the car. The guy again falls down. He then picks him up and pushes him in the car and checks his wallet for his address. He proceeds to drive him home. He gets to his house, drags him out of the car, to the front door, leans him up against the door and proceeds to ring the doorbell. The guy falls down. He picks him up again, holds him up and a woman answers the door. "lady, is this your husband?", the guys says. The lady replies, "Yes, but where is his wheelchair?"

Submitted 7/12/00 by Janet, Rated "R"

Subject: Ghost Story A professor at WVU is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. How many of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Aw, Shiiiiiit... From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"

Submitted 7/12/00 by Cheryl, Rated "G"

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place her four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single." The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know." He replies, "Because you're ugly."

These two were submitted 7/12/00 by Cheryl, both rated rated "PG"
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your f--ing bran muffins!! I could have been here ten years ago!"
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

Submitted 7/11/00 by Kathy, Rated "G"

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked: "When you're in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says: "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies: "I would like to hear them say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

Submitted 7/11/00 by Kathy, Rated "PG"

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention. The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

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